Never Again
by MyKingdomCome
Summary: Matsumoto's painful relationship with the man she had been trapped with since childhood. Songfic, rated T cause of implications/situations that people might get butthurt over.


Never Again

Inspiration: The song _Change, by Churchill_. I originaly had the lyrics posted in here, but- I knew it would happen- someone got butthurt. So. Sorry if it doesn't make much sense now /it kinda needed the lyrics to tie it together/ but I'll be damned if I can't leave this story up, so here you go!

AN: So someone posted in a review that my fic was violating rules. From the group called Eliminator, which is apparently a bunch of nitpickers who hate when people break the rules and call 'em out for it. Fine by me man, as long as I can keep my story. So, while the Eliminators are keeping me under radar, I'll have to leave the lyrics out permanently. Sorry if you liked the original better ^_^*  
_

You never cared about anyone, really. I thought you cared about me, but I suppose I was wrong. I did it for us; I lied to keep us together. If not, I know what you would've done. Thrown me away as nothing but useless trash undeserving of your attention and sympathy. So of course, I lied. I told you what I knew you'd want to hear, and since it made you happy, I ignored how much it hurt. How much it killed me.

But since my lies weren't enough, I let you use me too. Use me for your pleasure, satisfy your wants and needs, and leave me when your desires subsided. Use me for work, as a slave in all but name, and I did all of the stealing and lying for you, only you, because I loved you. I may not have gained from this, but you did, and that is all that mattered. It's all that ever mattered.

I guess my lies weren't tasteful enough for you, so you changed them up yourself; you made it so that I was just the pitiful weakling begging for your love. Not your friend, never your love, and not in a million lives would I be your equal. But that's just how you wanted it. You took words from my mouth and changed them, warped your memory of me, of us, so you would come out as a shining star, and me, the shattered blackness in the background.

Sometimes, I felt as though I may have been closer to reaching you. That lingering touch, one gentle kiss, a tender smile. I would reach for that hope, try so hard to grasp it, catch it, hold it. I was always struggling to obtain that hope, to reach through the bleak waters of life and grab hold of the love that floated on it's surface. But alas, I would lose my breath before I could even dream of capturing it, and fall back into the deep, dark, bottomless hate. And then you would return to normal. Digging nails, bruised lips, an eerie grin. Then I would cry, bitter tears that spoke of my failure to find that sweeter, kinder man. You knew what you were doing to me. Draining me; sucking out my happiness; breaking my trust in not only you, but everyone I'd ever known or would know.

And so now, you want me to change again. You want me to break, shatter, and you shall collect these peices of my former self to construct someone newer, but weaker. A woman more frail than the last, who would not hesitate to bend to your whim, would not strike back, would not dream or wish or hope. You want to change how I see the world; you want me to see it through a foggy glass, where nothing is happy and colors are monochromatic. You want to change how I feel; most importantly, how I feel about you. You do not want my love, you want my fear, my subordinance, my compliance.

Well, let me tell you something. I'm tired. Tired of wishing for a gentler caress. Tired of wishing for a sweeter kiss. Tired of wishing for a real smile. Not only am I tired, I'm sick. I'm sick of being your plaything, a deadly case of cat and mouse. You don't love me, you never will, and I refuse to be your slave any longer. I refuse to let you break me again, and I won't let you hurt me anymore. I won't let you warp my life anymore, damn it, because I am my own person and I am done with you. I'm done with us. You want me to change...

But I won't.

Goodbye, Ichimaru Gin.


End file.
